I’m writing this from a Starbucks located in a suburb of Chicago. Yes, dear readers, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s nothing out of the ordinary for you.” You’re right. I love Starbucks, especially when the girl with the mole on her neck serves me my latte. My eyes, wild as they are, inevitably focus on it. She blushes and thinks to herself, “I serve you here each and every day, usually between the hours of 9 – 11 AM CST. And each and every day, you request a new name on your cup. Your real name, I know not. Are you running from the law? Have you no parents? And why do you always stare at my mole?” I proceed to think, “Was it not the Phoenicians . . . Or maybe the Corinthians, in a letter to the Apostle Paul, who expressed reverence for women with moles on their necks? Is this woman a sign pointing me back towards religious conformity? Her name is Mary, too! Either way you slice it, I’m the loser in this game!” I then look towards the floor, whisper “Thank you”, and stalk away, making sure I walk with a “hellafied gangsta lean.” . . . But you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this. I was just at MJ’s house and I have an exclusive interview with him after the “Read More”! BIG NEWS, Y’ALL.
Moid: Thanks for having me, Mr. Jordan.
Michael: Anything for a cute white boy.
Moid: Umm . . .
Michael: No homo.
Moid: Oh Mike, you sly dog! You had me there for a second!
(We both guffawed here.)
Mike: I’ve been foolin’ you white boys since I cris-crossed that guy from Cleveland in 1992.
Moid: Craig Ehlo?
Mike: How should I know? After a while, all you white guys start to run together and look alike.
Moid: So, um . . . why did we come together today? Would you like to ‘spill the beans’, as it were?
Michael: Hey, bet I can beat you in that game.
Moid: What game?
Michael: “Spill the Beans” . . .
Moid: Dude, you ruined Antoine Walker’s career and life with your “betting.” The only way I’ll agree to any sort of competition is if you promise to blackmail Stern into getting a 4-point line so my man can come back and start launchin’.
(Pause.)
Michael: Stern, unfortunately, has got more dirt on me than I’m willing to admit. Did you know I was forced into retirement because . . . (here, the fire alarm went off and I couldn’t hear MJ’s explanation. God blast his cigars!) I have no use for that li’l fella. He’d better utilized as seagull bait. Hey, wanna help me chain him up to a rock on this deserted island I own?
Moid: WTF, MJ?! Please, let’s try to stay on topic . . . You’re switching brands I hear?
Michael: You betcha. Somebody has to pay Juanita.
Moid: Say word?
Michael: Ho Grant used to say that in the team shower after practice . . . But, yes, Juanita (may Allah strike her dead) has taken so much from me after a woman called the home phone late one night asking if I was home. White womenz.
Moid: No pre-nup?
Michael: When you’re young and a woman can do the things with her lips that Juanita could do, marriage problems are the last thing on your mind.
Moid: So what’ll happen to Brand Jordan?
Michael: Well, in order to get ol’ girl off my back, I had to just give her the thing. It’ll remain how it is now, except the name and logo will be different.
Moid: So it’ll be very different, huh?
Michael: Define ‘very’ and ‘different’ and you have you have it. Why are you asking me questions you already know the answer to?
Moid: So, were Fusions your idea or what?
Michael: No, Gentry “The OG Killer” Humphrey thought of those. But I like them. And anybody that knows me knows that I know style.
Moid: Any thoughts on what logo might replace the Jumpman?
Michael: The silhouette of an underfed Asian kid would work marvelously.
Moid: Where are you going to go now that you’re not on Nike’s roster?
Michael: adidas.
Moid: adidas?
Michael: You know when we were growing up, adidas stood for “adidas” stood for ‘All day I dream about sex.’ Well, the thing is, I’ve been wearing adidas for years. I’ve taken that statement seriously. In the ‘90s, whenever we’d be on the road, I’d be trying to bring big-haired white girls into the Sheraton with me. During those romps I’d pull out that the adidas and go Dikembe Mutombo on those guts.
Moid: I wanna be like Mike!
Michael: Where do you think that song came from? (Michael winked here.)
Moid: So is this why Jeffrey chose to play at UCF? Adidas?
Michael: Me leaving the brand is a fairly recent development, actually. Jeff is just down there trying to get into some rich white girls. You know what we both like? When girls are wearing that spray-tan cream and it gets sweated off onto our bodies. Call me Reese’s Peanut Butter cup cuz I’m all chocolate and orange!
(LOLz all around!)
Moid: Why adidas?
Michael: Super light and super comfortable. Good enough to where they got me thinking about coming out of retirement.
Moid: Thanks for the time, Michael.
Michael: Anything for the Sneaker Files team, their cooperative part-owner Steve Kluback, and their devoted readership.
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